Hey friends hey! I’ve put this post off longer than I care to admit. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share and if I did what that would look like because while I am personable, I rarely get personal. But this one is going to be a long one and I figured I’d give you that warning so you can snag coffee if you need.
So, we bought a house. I know, I know. We’re nuts because we literally just wrapped up renovations in our old house. Our {{One Room Challenge Bathroom}} just went live less than a week ago. We had no intentions on leaving for a new house; it was just time.
Our family thought process is and has always been “faith in God’s timing”. We plan and we pray, we pray and we plan, all with the knowledge that we still decide nothing in the end. Marcus and I have been saying for years that our house could sustain us through raising one child and the very day I found out I was pregnant with our second child, we would have to begin hunting for a house.
We don’t currently have even one child, so obviously moving wasn’t in the plan here and now. But with COVID-19, we joked that houses might be cheaper. To which Marcus said “it’s not like you would move anyway”.
To know me is to know, I love our first house. Our first house was my first born but something compelled me to say, “if we found the right house, I’d move”. We looked and there was our lovely second home. Listed on MLS for just the right price and on the market way longer than homes in our area sell for (e.g. we bought our first home 8 hours after it went on the market). We saw it the next day and put in an offer shortly there after. Then pulled the offer. We thought about it for a day and then we put in an offer again. And a month later, she was ours.
In the time it took us to put in the second offer, we cried and we prayed and really thought about why we were buying another home. Really what it comes down to, is that this home has room for our family to grow, for us to build long term and for us to continue to love on the people in our created community. And so it just felt right.
Somewhere in between putting in an offer and moving into our home, our purpose fell into place; I found out I was pregnant.
I don’t want to be a mother, not really anyway. Yep, I recognize this entire post thus far is about how we are shaping our lives to grow our family and so this probably seems contradictory but it’s true. I don’t have this soul deep desire to bring life into this world. Sure, I’m nurturing and warm but I’ve never felt the need to have children just because of it. At the same token, I am also the kind of person who imagines God has His own plan, even with the best of birth control. So we tend to set our lives up to stave off “life comes at you fast” syndrome.
So in between a global pandemic, a revolution, a bathroom renovation, a job interview and buying a new home, I peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant. I did the thing that black women rarely have the privilege to do (cuz systemic racism) and instantly set an appointment with my OB for confirmation. I spent the better part of a week between the at home test and the appointment, positively flustered that I was pregnant and thinking of all the things that I would have done if I had more time.
Not things like renovating a bathroom or switching roles at work early. But important things like restoring keystone relationships in my life like the one I have with my parents, like finding a church home that believes in faith and inquiry, like building a reliable support system in my town because as they say “it takes a village”.
But I didn’t have time. I had a baby on the way. I kept the news to myself for two weeks with the plan to tell Marcus for his birthday, complete with fancy gift wrapped positive pregnancy tests. Only to get test results back the day before his birthday that my hcg levels were dropping; an impending miscarriage. I opened the present to retrieve the sticks and tell him because I needed the support that only my husband and best friend could give me.
What did I, a woman who didn’t really want children or plan to have them do with the news of a miscarriage? Well, I canceled all eight of my meetings, put my “away” message on at work and wept on and off for the better part of two days. And then cried some more. Sure I wasn’t planning on being pregnant or having a child but there it was right in front of me, right inside me. Until it wasn’t.
We’d spent time together. I found myself speaking aloud a lot in those two weeks. Chatting with myself and reassuring myself that “we were going to be okay. We were going to make it. We would have a good life”. In hindsight, I realize I was speaking to the kiddo, my perpetual travel buddy.
I planned for what the next year would look like. I would hold off on tearing out the kitchen and renovating the bathrooms in the new house because a woman who’s pregnant and incredibly stressed shouldn’t be ripping out cabinetry. Start putting in the work in therapy because I need the tools to really get to the root of where I stand with my parents. I planned for what the next three years would look like. I’d take on roles at work that are truly in my wheel house so that I would feel immense passion when I was away from the little one.
I made all these plans for what I would do to prepare my life for a child, my child. And the rug was pulled out from under me. I felt this immense sense of loss. This unshakeable sense of grief for a life that could have been. For what my life could have been. I felt overwhelmed with a tangible sadness.
And then after the tears were shed and the cake eaten (because after all we had Marcus’ birthday to celebrate), I felt relief, immense relief. Not for the loss of my child but because I had more time. God gave me more time. He gave me such clarity in those two weeks. I had such a clear image of what I needed to do to make our life suitable for a little person. We weren’t ready. We aren’t ready. But we will be. Faith in His timing. Faith in His plan.
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” -Proverbs 16:9
But for all you mamas waiting on your little joy to come, I respect that this may not be your story. This is just my story. You deserve a happy ending. You deserve to hold your little one without worrying about if God has some ‘grand plan’ for what is going on with your womb. Whether you have lost one child at four weeks or four at forty weeks, I send you peace and love and joy and rest as you wait. Your experience and emotions, whatever they may be, are valid.
Also, I know it’s a thing that people do but please, please stop asking when couples are going to have children. As many as one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage and while it’s common, it doesn’t make it any less painful for families who may be trying. I don’t consider myself particularly sensitive to this (at this moment) but, out of respect for others, I realize there’s a need for sensitivity.
XO Prepford Wife
P.S. You didn’t think I’d leave you hanging without pictures of this perfectly renovatable house, did you? Nevaaaaah
God’s timing is always “on time”. I’m sorry for your loss and excited to watch for updates on your next project. Prayers for your family. Y’all are the the cutest! If you’re ever in Rome, Ga, find me. I want to show you our town. 😊
You are such a thoughtful soul and such a talented writer. Im so sorry for your loss but so excited for what the future holds for you two, and the role this new house will play! Love you friends!
I’m so sorry for your loss but I’m glad you found clarity about life at this moment. Congratulations on the new house. It is beautiful and I can’t wait to follow along as you fill it with your signature style and make it a loving home for your family.
Oh my darling – there are so many things to absorb here. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am equally so excited for your future. As you say, all we can do is have faith in His plan, and I am convinced that that plan will be a wonderful one. Much love to you both, Paula x
Thank you for sharing your heart Victoria! I love your perspective and saying a prayer for you. He makes all things beautiful in His time Ecc 3:11
I recently started following you and I am so happy I did. Praying for many blessings to come your way in this beautiful home.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I love your faith in God. He is our strength! And His timing is perfect! Praying for you as you heal. 💕
The house is so pretty and can’t wait to see how you make it yours. Blessings.
Thank you for sharing all of this! I’m so sorry for you loss. We are experiencing infertility and all of it is so hard. Even a healthy, planned, easy pregnancy is hard.
And btw, that is the most atrocious house with the best bones and I can’t wait to see you make it beautiful!
Victoria! I know I don’t know you in real life. But there is something about your spirit that makes you seem like a real life little sister to me. When I was reading this I was virtually holding your hand. Blessings for your new home and everything else that God has stored up for you and Marcus.
Wow! Saying prayers for all of you. The house is going to be amazing. Your heart is beautiful. Thank you and I’m sorry and congrats don’t seem like enough.
I’m very sorry for your loss. This is a very thought-provoking post. I wish you much happiness in your new, beautiful home❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for being brave/vulnerable and sharing your story with us.
New reader/follower here. Love, love, love the house…Dutch colonials are my favorite! I’m excited to follow along with the renovation. This post resonated with me so much. With all the possibilities ahead of us and moving to a new city, I lost a pregnancy on move-in day. It literally took the wind out of my sails and I’m just fully getting back to myself…two years and a successful pregnancy later. Thank you for sharing your story and bringing your readers along. Sending well wishes on everything: the house, happy and healthy marriage, and motherhood if that’s what you desire.
Oh friend, I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words. And you are so right. Wind right out of your sales. Sending you nothing but joy and peace and I’m so happy for your successful pregnancy!
Beautiful update, thank you for sharing!! I can relate in a lot of ways.
Very new to your Instagram. Spent some time yesterday viewing your one room challenge posts. Was so interested I sat in my car after work to get through them.
Incredible Reno.
I sent two screen shots to my daughter from your questions answered.
Woke up to you at the top of my Instagram feed and read your very personal post.
So sorry for your loss.
So very excited to see what you do with your new home!
Thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry about your baby. My heart hurts for you.
Thank you for sharing your faith ❤️
Beautiful post filled with love, faith, and hope. I’ll say a prayer this morning that God continues to hold you close as you recover.
So sorry for the loss of your little one. I love your amazing perspective on time and preparation. Congratulations on your new home!
Incredibly excited for this new chapter in y’alls lives. I pray y’all are finding peace in this dual bitter and sweet moment. It’s not always easy, but continue to have faith in God’s planning and timing.
Congratulations! <3
Vic and Marcus
Sending so much love and light to y’all. Loss hurts. May you feel His love and peace surrounding you and guiding your steps.
Much love from NYC
P.S. Such a beautiful house!
Thank you for sharing your journey with the world. ((Hugs)) May the Lord bless you beyond measure in this new house!
oh victoria…
i’m so excited for the upcoming gorgeous renovations and i’m sorry for your loss. you’ve been mothering us for so long thru honest and genuine posts about your love-filled relationship with Marcus, and yourself, it’s so easy to see you fill that role with a future well-dressed travel buddy.
thinking of you both ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story- I’m sure it must have been a hard decision to be so open about your miscarriage on social media.
As for your new home it is lovely!!! I am excited to see what you and Marcus do with renovations!
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing about what it’s like to be on life’a rollercoaster. I so admire your faith—we are going to be okay, no matter what happens. My friend tells me I am in the footwork business and God takes care of the outcomes. ♥️
What a rollercoaster blog post! I can relate to so many parts and want to hug you tightly to say that someone else gets it, too. You were vulnerable and put yourself way out there with loving honesty. God’s timing IS always right and life’s curveballs are His way of refining us into holiness like Him. I pray you find a good church family, reconcile any past hurts, and experience joy in this new chapter. Much love!
So sorry to hear about your loss but telling your story will help so many others. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and completely understand the feeling of loss and sadness. I went on to have 3 healthy children. Congratulations on your new home and I know you’ll both fill it with joy.
Thank you for sharing this was beautiful.
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Like you said, all in God’s timing… I pray you find the clarity you are seeking. Thank you for sharing your story with us and being so vulnerable. Sending love your way.
In the meantime, congratulations on your new house! I look forward to seeing how you make it a HOME 🙂
Prayers for you and your husband. May a blanket of His love enfold you.
Victoria, thank you for eloquently voicing a silent thought so many hopeful mothers have. Thank you for sharing a vulnerable and difficult time with us. But mostly, congratulations on your new home, clarity and choosing a partner that carries you through highs and lows.
Thank you for your story. I have 2 children and had 2 miscarriages and you are right. There are so many feelings wrapped up in that experience. Know I’m holding you in that tender place I still have In my heart 30 years later. Love to you and Marcus.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Last summer I miscarried at 8 weeks. I remember feeling many of the things you felt both during those fleeting moments of pregnancy and after. In the months since, I have taken comfort in talking with those who have been there, and I hope you are able to find a place where you feel some comfort too. I’ll be thinking of you and your husband <3
So sorry for your loss. Love the pics 🙂
Hi, Victoria, thank you for this post and my sympathies for your loss. I have been in your shoes and know how quickly our minds work to put plans in place for this new life. My first pregnancy was ectopic. Though we have had two healthy boys since then I will forever share the experience with other women whose number of pregnancies is different than the number of births. As deeply personal as it is, it is a gift to others that you are willing to share and help normalize that experience that is all too common but often suffered silently. I am excited for you and your husband and this next chapter for your family. More time is indeed a gift. All the best to you!
Hi! I just started following you yesterday. I discovered you through Erin Napier. At any rate, I am THRILLED to have joined at the very beginning of a new renovation. I applaud and hug you for sharing such a personal journey about your miscarriage. Lots of hugs!
Just saw your post of your beautiful new house, congrats, and headed over to the blog! I want to extend my condolences to you and marcus on the loss of your baby.
It must not have been easy to share this painful and private experience.
Thank you for sharing all your emotions about this time in your life. I hope it helps in your healing.
Congratulations on the new home. I love the wood floor & look forward to seeing future renovations & changes making into y’alls haven.
Hey, just wanted to let you know i appreciated your words. Pregnancy and parenthood is such an unpredictable and often terrifying thing. Love to the both of you.
The new house and all of its potential are amazing. Looking forward to following along.
❤️❤️❤️
Your new home is already lovely but I know you and Marcus will make it sensational.
My sympathies on your loss. Take care of yourself.
Wow. Just. . . Thank you. Thank you for your bravery and for sharing your truth even when it may not be the norm. I have very similar feelings on kids and these feelings are not often met with a positive response. But everyone is different. Life shouldn’t be cookie cutter or planned off of what society says is the norm. I’m sorry for your loss and trust you’ll be an amazing mother. We need more conversations like this.
Hi friend! Thank you for sharing and being so candid. I have said a prayer for you both. Sent with hugs and lots of God blesses!
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for your loss.
Wow! Your new home looks great. I can’t wait to see how you fix her up. ❤️
Hi, I’m new around here. My name is Rhiannon. I am so sorry for your loss and so happy for your new home. All my love to you during this period of transition and growth.
I’m so sorry for your loss, but glad that God gave you such clarity. Thank you for sharing, I needed reminding that Gods timing is in fact perfect. Blessings to you in your new home, I can’t wait to watch the transformation unfold!
This was so beautiful 😭 Only someone so strongly rooted in faith could turn heartbreak to hope. So excited for your journey- with the new house and exploring potential parenthood ❤️
Hi Victoria-
I’m a relatively new follower and really love your Instagram and now your blog too. I’m excited to watch you tackle this new house and so sorry for your loss. I read your post a few days ago, and something you said resonated so deeply that I wanted to let you know. You said, “I’d take on roles at work that are truly in my wheel house so that I would feel immense passion when I was away from the little one.” I’ve been thinking how wise you are in this. I also met my husband in college and spent the next 12 years following him around for medical training and having six kids. Although I tried to keep a hand in the mix, I was forty when I really had a chance to get established in my career. Now I’m raising three girls and I am so grateful that people like you are out there with insights like these, because I feel like my experience isn’t going to be one that my girls will want/be able to follow. I hope that when the time comes, you are really excited about your work roles. Even though I was late to it, I know that going to work and doing something that I absolutely love has been a really good shift for our kids, our family, and for me!
Wow where do I start my prayers are with you & your hubs during this difficult time. I’m glad you feel vulnerable to talk about it, it was therapeutic for me. Enjoy your new home and congratulations love the bathroom renovations can’t wait to see what you do with your new home
I’m so sorry for your loss. Light and love to you and your husband 💜
Thank you so much! I so appreciate you.
“We’d spent time together. I found myself speaking aloud a lot in those two weeks. Chatting with myself and reassuring myself that “we were going to be okay. We were going to make it. We would have a good life”. In hindsight, I realize I was speaking to the kiddo, my perpetual travel buddy.”
Well said. I have lost two littles in the first trimester when I was in a similar attitude to what you described. Hadn’t asked for them yet, but once your kid is there, sometimes the relationship/conversation starts and it hurts when it ends. Thankful for the perspective God has given you in this and so many things you share with your followers! Be well.
Sweet friend. Thank you for sharing your story and for being unabashedly vulnerable. Sending you and M endless amounts of love.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I’m so sorry for your loss and truly believe like you said that God has a plan. (Also loooove the new house pics and can’t wait to see what you do to the new house!)
Thank you for your transparency. Continue to lean not to your own understanding, and enjoy God’s favor all day, every day. Don’t forget, you and Marcus are our guest when in Houston, Texas.